To: The Queen

Dear Mallika,

Welcome back! We apologise that we couldn't make it to the airport to welcome you personally but let that not be taken as a sign of our disinterest in you. We are thrilled that you're back to your home country to entertain us with your on-and-off-screen shenanigans.

We see that your stint in Los Angeles seems to have mellowed you. A short skirt WITH stockings? The old Mallika would never be caught dead like that. Or were you just trying to reduce the weight of your check-in baggage? That would explain why you have on your person:

1. A heavily embellished jacket
2. A highly unnecessary gold scarf
3. A pair of sunglasses. The photographs show that it's night time, so unless it was unusually bright inside the plane, we don't get it.

Anyhow, we would like to take this forum to officially welcome you back and hope that despite everything that we're sure is going to go down between us, we'll still remain friends.

Cheers to you!
The Fashion Police Department